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Successful relationships depend on six crucial factors: mutual appreciation, trust, respect, teamwork, agreement and compromise. Without these essential elements they stand no chance of surviving. Yet, to be successful in one’s adult journey, each relationship has to navigate what I call the main 'staging posts' – significant aspects of life which mark specific points in our growth and evolution as adults. These situations only occur simultaneously for both partners when the six crucial factors above are also working in tandem – a near-impossible feat! Being inevitable, these 'staging posts' (there are six of them) are also the most vulnerable times for life-changing decisions. Thus, if any one of these stages is difficult, or moves out of sync in either partner, that is when trouble is most likely. This is no easy thing to negotiate and suggests that we should be more surprised when relationships are actually long and successful than when they dissolve!
Daniel Levinson first outlined four Seasons of Man during the 1970s that he discovered from observing and interviewing 40 men. Through a series of intensive interviews with men (1978), Levinson proposed a theory based on set stages that adults go through as they develop, their life structure, which is the underlying pattern of an individual's life at any particular time. This life structure is shaped by the social and physical environment he's in, primarily involving family and work, "although other variables such as religion, race, and economic status are often important". Levinson's four "seasonal cycles" included pre-adulthood, early adulthood, middle adulthood, and late adulthood.
His findings showed that men, as a group, behaved in a certain way at these four different age points in their lives - the evolutionary Seasons. This shed some significant light on male behaviour and got me thinking about how we evolve, especially in relationships. Though his Seasons study set the stage for adult evolution, the findings were very limited in scope. For a start, they primarily applied to a small group of men and were a little too prescriptive in their structure. The men in the study were also not representative of the majority of men. These men grew up in stable families after a major world war, in an environment in men were dominant and in which everyone knew their place and women lacked basic rights. The subjects in the study also had simple realistic goals for their lives, like ‘being a good father’, not the diversity of objectives available now. They became adults building their careers in a flourishing economic climate in their locality. Few of them experienced divorces in their families.
Greater Expectations and Mobility
Thus Levinson's assumptions do not hold true for people born particularly after the Seventies, neither do they apply to the diversity of life prevalent throughout the world. Later generations grew up in less stable families and are now raising their own families in a world where divorce is very common. Education and increased opportunities have given them greater expectations and mobility as well as personal aspirations that are much more complex and difficult to fulfil. Many in these later generations also reached adulthood when the economy was shrinking in the traditional areas of commerce but expanding in technology. Above all, life expectancy in the population then was much less than now.
Such differences make it difficult to apply Levinson’s studies directly to the current generation. Thus I prefer to regard such developmental changes as important 'staging posts', rather than stages, in people’s lives – a subtle but important difference, six of them in total. These are times when they take stock and question their values, beliefs, achievements and progress; or even question their very identity and existence. Though linked mainly to ten year spans, movement from one 'staging post' to another is a progression based primarily on the perception of personal growth rather than any strict chronological line. Each of these stages along the journey can be anything from a single crisis in our life to a series of significant occurrences, and they carry us from late teens to post-retirement. Needless to say, individuals vary widely in their progression through them.
Some people may pass through their staging posts several years earlier, or later, than suggested, the age ranges shown being only rough estimates rather than immovable signposts. Age lines can also blur significantly and each stage affects women differently from men, but the broad picture of adult evolution tends to be uniform. As a human group, we do tend to behave in certain ways at similar ages in our lives. Thus ensuring the six key attributes in a relationship is no easy task with all the emotional evolution in progress.The first noticeable staging post in adult evolution is Self Discovery (16-25 years)
ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"
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